3 Chapter 3 : Guilt
Back to the drawing “bored.”
A moment of guilt hit the Ches out of the blue while finishing an entire bag of “cheese-toes” and watching “Pride and Prejudice” [5] for the 23rd time. Her guilt spread like a “fog … on little cat feet.” [6] She knew she wasn’t in Chicago. Confused and hunched over she wondered how her staged death might affect those she would leave behind, temporarily that is.
She knew she tended to think people/cats liked her more than they actually did. Such an error in thinking was a great way to live most of the time. For her anyway.
As a result of such a cognitive distortion she would enter a room of strangers act like a model on a catwalk, interrupt others’ conversations, speak out of turn, and generally smile too much. These negative, obnoxious tendencies darkly colored others’ impression of her. They would treat her extra nice while trying to get rid of her. As a result Ches continued to erroneously believe she was well liked.
Due to this over self-evaluation plus guilt, a grief booklet was quickly designed. When her plan of exit was executed others’ could be comforted. “Love Never Dies “was a coloring book (Balcerzak, R. 2010).
It had fill in the blank exercises so that those grieving could become an author of their own grief story. There were cartoon, “cattoon”, characters that represented the bereaved. The process of celebration of a life lost and reconnection of those found around them was mapped out for the left behind loved one.
Her guilt was somewhat reduced after the completion of her booklet project.
Off track from CeeCee’s original purpose of you know what, she liked the trial product so well that she submitted it to a state run Grief Consortium for consideration in their training curriculum.
Counselors could use this valuable tool as a therapy aid. The result:
“It’s not finished.”
Cee: “Well of course it’s not done … it’s fill in the blank.”
“Your characters are too flat.”
Cee: “Well of course I haven’t taken a gesture class yet.”
“It’s too rough.”
Cee: “Of course it’s rough – death is rough.”
The director of the Consortium sent her a denial of interest and references on how to write, how to self-publish and a message of good luck.
Again CeeCee knew she’d be more appreciated after she faked her death. No more “self-sales” for her.
That’s it. What’s wrong with these people?
That allergy problem was coming back. She wasn’t growing out of it any time soon. Allergic to self. Like electricity, could be dangerous.