Fear of Public Speaking

    Oh, boy. Buckle your seat belt, this story is a doozy. Public speaking. Ughhh. Public speaking is my worst enemy and fear. Let me give you a little backstory.

It goes way back to an assembly that took place when I was in fifth grade. I had won an award for athletics. I had to come up with a short speech, on the spot, to express my gratitude for being presented with this award. The worst part was the whole school was in the gym, not just my classmates, the whole school. So, my speech was making an impression on everyone.

I slowly walked from my place on the bleachers to the center of the gym, dragging my feet. The principal smiled at me and then spoke into his microphone, saying, “And now we will hear from the athletic test winner for the 2020–21 school year. Here is Kaydence Roberts from the fifth grade.”

I grabbed the microphone from the principal’s leathery hands, and my finger touched the top, creating an ear-splitting noise throughout the sound system.

“Ummm…,” I softly voiced through the microphone, my whole body shaking, from head to toe. “Thank you for this award,” I squeaked. My head started to bobble around, my knees were knocking, and my legs were trembling. Then I started to feel faint.

Oh no! I panicked.

I continued talking quickly, not remembering what I had just said after the words left my mouth. Seven hundred people were in the gym. Some kids stared at me, intently, wondering what would happen next. Others did not pay attention to me, thinking I was some dumb fifth grader. The people who were watching me had no clue what was coming next. I don’t think I was even making the connection of what was to come. I headed back to my spot on the bleachers. Back to comfort, and away from humiliation.

On my way back, I felt like I was floating or swimming. It didn’t even feel like my feet were touching the ground. The world was spinning. It must have been more apparent at that point, to the crowd, that I was in a state of distress because I heard faint whispers of commotion.

Smack! Complete darkness enveloped me. I had passed out right in front of all the students and staff in the building. This was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I will never get over it. Whenever I had to speak in front of a large group of people, the period before I fainted flashed vividly throughout my mind. To explain my feeling about public speaking, let’s just say I have crippling anxiety. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is true.

Now back to just a few weeks ago. I had an English presentation which was the final grade for my ninth grade year. We had to create a persuasive essay on a topic and defend our point of view. The topic was whether we thought Mars should be colonized. Odd topic, I know, but it got us thinking, and we had to provide statistics along with our personal thinking.

I had practiced and practiced and practiced some more. Oh boy, was I nervous. I knew this was definitely not the first time I had to speak in front of a big group of people since the incident, and every time after what happened in fifth grade had gone just fine. But, I just couldn’t stop myself from wondering, “Is this going to go horribly wrong?” I had a lot weighing on this speech going smoothly, as it was:

1. The last assignment going on my grade for the year.

2. I needed to have a good record for future colleges.

3. I didn’t want to humiliate myself in front of my peers and teacher again.

So yeah, I was just a bit stressed out.

When it came to presentation day, I thought I was going to be sick. The thought of food at breakfast made me gag, but my mom made me eat a plain piece of toast. I got to school with no complications, which was a bonus, but I still couldn’t get the image of the moment before I fainted out of my head. I took several deep breaths, following the instructions of my parents, trying to relax myself.

My best friend Marie gave me a pep talk, trying her best to lift my spirits. I am so lucky to have Marie. I have known her since we were babies. I met her at daycare and we have been inseparable ever since. She has been with me through thick and thin. She truly is the best friend anyone could ask for.

Marie has the prettiest smile that could light up a room. Her teeth are pearly white and her lips are perfectly plump. Her hair is a shiny golden color, with light brown highlights. Marie’s outfits are always stunning, and she wears the newest, trendiest things.

One day she had come to school wearing these cute light blue hightops that weren’t supposed to come out until the week after. I asked her how she had managed to get her hands on them and she responded slyly, “I have my ways,” with a little smile.

I shouldn’t be this way, but at times I’m a little jealous of her. She is so gorgeous and has my dream closet. Anyway, she is my best friend and has been there for me for every milestone and downfall, so I shouldn’t be that way at all.

I got a little off topic there. Now back to presentation day.

I was feeling a little bit better after the boost of confidence from Marie but still had an underlying uneasy feeling that had a choke hold on my chest. Then I started to get queasy. I let out a big sigh. Why does my body do this? It makes me feel so nerve wracked.

While I was sitting in class watching the others present their projects, I felt like I had to puke so I let my teacher know the situation. I then proceeded to get the heck out of the classroom.

I speed-walked to the bathroom, at the same time trying to not cause too much of a scene. I sat in the bathroom for a while. The gross feeling started to pass after I had been in there for probably around five minutes. I reached to unlock the door and it was jammed. “Seriously!” I expressed exasperatedly, a little louder than I needed to. Nobody else who was in the bathroom realized I was locked in the stall from my exclamation.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and escape from the small space between where the stall door ended and the floor. I squatted down, putting my elbows on the cold tiled floors. I scooted my arms across the floor, staying low to the ground. I got out successfully, but it made me feel worse from the awkward movement.

I decided to open the door that led outside, to get some fresh air. I held the door open, sticking my head out the door, my hair blowing across my face. There certainly was plenty of air; the wind was blowing ferociously. I had underestimated the power of the wind, and my strength wasn’t at 100%. Nor was my head thinking clearly because while my body was hanging out the door the wind whipped the door out of my grasp. The door locked behind me. “Great!” I fumed, sarcastically. “Aahhh,” I grunted through gritted teeth.

Now what am I going to do? The teacher thinks I’m off in the bathroom puking, but instead, I’m out here in the nippy weather, all alone. Well, I guess I’ll mosey my way over to the complete opposite side of the building to the front entrance. That would be the logical thing to do, even if I have to walk a lot in this freezing weather. I thought for a moment, should I try to bang and scream? Maybe somebody will hear me? No, I replied to myself. Class is still going on and hardly anyone will be in the hallways, especially near the back bathroom. Plus, I will just waste my voice and energy. It will be just as fast to walk through the front doors to the office.

I continued on my way to the front of the school after arguing with myself in my head. I kept taking deep breaths, my heart going rapid fire from everything that had gone on this morning.

I am missing my presentation and will have to be the only one doing it. I made the walk of shame up to the front office where Eliza, our high school’s secretary, let me in. A puzzled look spread across her face as she knew I had been at school just earlier this morning. I explained to her the fiasco. It kind of sounded stupid after I finished; crawling out under a bathroom stall, locking myself out of the building. What was I thinking of stepping outside? Luckily, Eliza showed no hints that she thought what I had just told her was ridiculous. She called up my teacher to explain the situation, and I just waited in the office for a few minutes before the bell rang that would dismiss us for the second hour.

When the bell rang, I leaped from my seat and said in undertones, “Thanks,” to Eliza and continued with the rest of my day as if nothing had happened.

Midway through the second hour, I saw a number one pop up on my email tab, while the class was having work time in history. I was bored with the assignment we were doing, so I was glad I had an opportunity to pause doing it. The teacher, Mr. Ricker, was busy correcting a piled-up tower of assignments so he didn’t notice I was off-task. Also, I don’t think he would mind anyway if I was just checking my email; he was pretty laid-back. I noticed the email was from Ms. Amley, my English teacher. I’m sure it was about me missing my presentation. I thought, not sure if I was ready for what it would say.

The email read, “Kaydence, I hope you are feeling better. Since you missed presentations in class today, would you like to present tomorrow? If not, let me know what date would work better. Again, I hope you are feeling well. Ms. Amley.”

Dang it! Deep down, I knew I was not going to be let off the hook, but I sure hoped for it profusely. When I read the email, I was very disappointed. I emailed back, “Ms. Amley, I am doing better, thank you for checking in. Yes, tomorrow will work.”

I didn’t want to add that last sentence. I think I will be gone every single day of English class for the rest of the year, I thought jokingly.

Let’s flash forward to the next day. I had butterflies in my stomach and my mind was racing a mile a minute. I was more panicky than any other time because there was a lot at stake, being an important part of my grade. The panic had grown, too, from the waiting, and I didn’t want to make an absolute fool in front of kids in my grade.

Ms. Amley announced to the class that I would be presenting today. Hard, cold stares of judgmental ninth graders all turned their heads, looking at me. I got up slowly from my chair and Marie, who sat beside me, gave me a thumbs up, whispering, “You’ll do great!” I gave her a worried glance back and then headed quickly up to the front of the classroom since all the students were waiting for my next move.

Ethan, the class jerk (not to be rude, but he is known by just about everyone by this title), sneered at me as I was walking up. He then rudely mumbled, “Let’s just hope we don’t have another repeat of fifth grade.”

I matched his expression, giving just as much of a snarky look back. Quickly I put a blank expression on my face so the teacher wouldn’t notice anything had been going on between us. Ethan intended to deplete my confidence but instead, he empowered me. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I had practiced for hours on end and I was more than ready. After I got done acing it, I would prove it to him and then laugh in his face. Yes, I was going to play the childish card.

I got up there and recited in a clear and assertive manner, reading exactly what I practiced so many times in my room for the past month. I read at my own pace so I wouldn’t slur or stutter. When I finished, I thought bewildered and impressed, I didn’t mess up!

I wasn’t thinking that I did amazing. All I thought of was that I didn’t faint. I thought cockily, Take that, Ethan! I bet my not failing miserably just about ruined his day.

Almost everyone clapped except Ethan and a few of his buddies. I realized though that not everyone is going to like and support me in my life. Haters gonna hate. Just as I expected, as I walked down the aisle, Ethan looked away from me, starting up a conversation with his friend, acting as though it was a purpose instead of regretting what he told me and couldn’t face me.

I flashed Marie an ecstatic look. When I reached my desk, she enthused, “You crushed it!” Peyton and Bailey, some of my other close friends from basketball, smiled at me.

“Great job, Kaydence,” Ms. Amley commented loud enough for the whole class to hear.

I waited nervously for the next few days to find out how I did in my presentation.

I knew I didn’t do horribly, but then again, I wasn’t ever the number one student on presentations. Three days after I presented, on a Thursday Ms. Amley let the class know she had posted scores in the gradebook. Everyone quickly clicked on the gradebook online, blurting out how they did. I looked at how I did. I got 95%! Yay! I thought. That was the best I had ever done.

Ms. Amley walked over to my desk. She said, “Great job on your presentation, Kaydence. I also have some more news for you. I think you will be quite pleased. I thought you did so well that I would like to nominate you for the workshop day at the college in Springfield. I have picked the top five students in ninth grade to go to this workshop. I have been really proud of your progress and dedication to English throughout the year and I would like to reward you with this. They will have enriching activities that will be fun but also build your skills in English.”

“Oh, wow,” I stuttered, surprised. I was happy with the score I got, but on top of that, I got recommended for a special program where only a select group of students were picked. “Thank you,” I added.

“You are very welcome. It is your choice if you would like to go or not, but I think it will be a great experience. I will print out a piece of paper with the information on this trip and give it to you by the end of the day.”

“Sounds good!” I replied to Ms. Amley.

The next week I went to the workshop day at the college. What do you know? They had a class on how to build your confidence when public speaking. I think I needed that class.

So, this is the end of the story. Hopefully, it entertained you at least a bit. I think it is kind of a ridiculous story (getting locked in the bathroom, stuck outside the school. Ha!) but nevertheless, there is a moral that goes along with it.

Even though you might be scared to do something you have to face it headfirst. There are going to be many things in your life that you maybe don’t want to do, or are nervous about, but you can’t dodge all of these things. Even if you don’t do amazing, that’s ok. You have still gained new experiences and overcome something scary. That’s the important part. You heard of what happened when I didn’t just stop and calm down before I presented. I got myself so worked up that I felt sick, then got stuck in the bathroom, and got locked out of the school. When I did end up presenting, I did a lot better than I thought, and I even got invited to a special program. My nerves got the best of me, don’t let that happen, especially in this case. Positivity is a choice and you have to take the initiative. Train your mind to not exaggerate a situation that isn’t worth it. You are capable of much more than you think, and it starts with a simple task like a class presentation.