Searching For Hope

“Everything that is done in this world is done by hope.” – Martin Luther

This quote was up on my wall, so every day I woke up I would see it and remind myself that whatever the predicament, there was always a way out. I worked at a private school – Littlerock Academy, as a high school math teacher. On the weekends I volunteered at an orphanage with Abigail Hallows, my aunt. I suppose I had a soft spot for orphans, myself being one.  Sadly, my father had lost his life in Iraq, and my mother had been fatally diagnosed with lung cancer. However, I think I did a pretty good job of overcoming these problems, if I do say so myself. Really, all my aunt did at the orphanage was manage food and donations, then babysit the toddlers, but since I was already a teacher, I got to help the “big kids” with their schooling. I always used to think of my aunt and I as a tag team. She would keep the little ones occupied, while I would take care of teaching duties for the day. I liked this schedule because my job continued after it was officially over. 

It had always been my aunt and I against the world. The students in my class were amazing. There was Alex, who aspired to become a doctor, and Bridget, who wanted to become an engineer, and then there was Ian. His parents had been missing in action for four years in Afghanistan and had since been declared legally dead. He still believed they were alive, but there was no evidence, and so he was sent here. I felt bad for him. He didn’t deserve to be here, but then again, no one here did. It wasn’t their fault, but fate apparently had other plans for them. Their only respite was Friday. I would wake up in the morning, change, make myself a cup of coffee and an English muffin, and drive to Littlerock Academy. There I would watch TV for 30 minutes, until school started. After the day ended, I prepared for the next day, then picked up my aunt from her apartment and headed to the state orphanage to let the fun begin. 

You see, the people running the facility didn’t need all of the funds that were given to us. (Even though I did suspect that some of the money got “lost” before it made it to us). So, the directors paid us, and let the remaining 60% go to the kids to see what they would do. I always watched them and thought that they would probably have more control on what to do with money, since they did not have all the advantages of other kids. For example, last week they used it to buy a coffee maker for us, and then saved the rest of it. Oh, and there wasn’t any “school” either on Fridays. So that may be a part of it for the students. 

Anyway, when I pulled up near my aunt’s house and honked my horn, a very strange thing happened. She didn’t come out. Usually my aunt is ready, smiling and waiting outside, unless she was out for a walk or a doctor’s appointment or something like that. Yes, that must be it. She simply had something to do and forgot to tell me about it. There was no other option. I headed down to the orphanage and it was great! They had thrown a splendid party and I returned home rather pleased.

I awoke the next day uneasy. My phone call to my aunt went to her voicemail as I headed to the orphanage. I asked around but no one had seen my aunt. I headed for the door, when a fellow teacher bumped into me around the corner. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Maddie,” he started, “But ah, could you hand me my glasses?” 

“Of course.” I handed them to him and started to collect my things off the ground. I quickly realized that I didn’t have my phone. I looked around for the professor. 

“Mr. Brett!” I called. He turned around. 

“Yes?” I think I dropped my phone, do you have it?” 

“No, but I can help you look.” After a couple of minutes of searching, I remembered I’d left it at my house. 

After telling him that, I decided to ask him one more question. “Have you seen Ms. Hallows lately?” 

He shook his head. “No, but I did see Andy leave earlier today – he seemed rather perplexed.” 

“Hmm. Thanks anyway.” He nodded and left.  

Andy was the director’s name, and he wouldn’t leave unless it was an emergency. As soon as I got home, I checked my phone. Out of charge. Dang it. I had a snack until my phone exploded with alerts. I almost spilled my grape juice. I scrolled through them and that’s when my life shattered. There were seven missed phone calls from Andy, five from the hospital, and three “Family Emergency” alerts. 

“Oh, No! No! No! No! No!” I rushed back to the car and drove straight to the hospital. Even before I got there, I knew what had happened. I had no patience for the person at the front desk. A small, still sane part of my brain told me that the person there was not responsible for anything as I demanded to see my aunt. Eventually I calmed down enough to verify that I was a family member, and not an ax-wielding psychopath. I rushed to the room, and Andy came outside to greet me. His eyes widened. 

“Maddie, you’re here! I am so….” 

I interrupted him and went straight into the room. What I found there broke me. An unconscious Abigail Hallows, hooked up to a heart monitor.

Two days. That’s how long I waited by her bedside. Andy left after the first couple of hours, I didn’t blame him. The only food and drink I got were from staff members kind enough to get me something from the cafe. I wasn’t religious, but I found myself praying to every god and patron saint I could think of. The doctor told me that she had a blood disorder, and had been treated as a child, but apparently that hadn’t been enough. It had returned in full fury. 

Thankfully, the academy understood and gave me three weeks’ leave. I asked one of my friends to bring my laptop, toothbrush and clothes from home to the hospital. There was no way I was leaving until a definitive plan of action was reached. I intended to utilize all of my leave in finding anything, and I mean anything, that would help her. It couldn’t happen again, not like this. I can’t say I had the same feeling when my parents died, but I was nine at the time. Abigail was the last pillar that I had which was holding up my life. The nurses were friendly and got me coffee from time to time. 

The doctor eventually told me that my aunt had a rare genetic blood disorder known as Detrosis. Ninety percent of my waking time was spent looking for anything on the internet that could help. I emailed doctors, friends, support groups and research committees. I even posted it on social media, no matter if it was a long shot. I knew the medical staff were being kind to me and offered hope, but the disease was fatal. There was no known treatment, far less a cure. 

I didn’t stop. I really couldn’t. I owed her far too much. After my parents died, she had been the one to take me in, give me an education, and was essentially my entire family. Without her, I would be in a much different place right now. I closed my laptop and cradled my head in my hands. My mind went back to when I was 10. This was about eight months after I lost my mother, and I was losing touch with reality. I began to feel vengeful. Why me? I railed at the world. This was unreal. I couldn’t have lost both my parents in the space of just two years. I wasn’t supposed to lose them until I was well into my seventies. Fate had other plans. 

From the outside, I was just your average fourth grader. From the inside, I was in a desolate nuclear wasteland. I started to imagine what life would be like if my father and mother were still here. My therapist said these conversations would help me. Instead, they made me miss them so much more. I started to see them everywhere. If I was at school, my mom would pick me up, instead of Abby. If I was doing my homework, my father would help me, not Abby. I started to think everyone was my enemy. I wouldn’t trust my teachers. I wouldn’t trust my friends. I certainly didn’t trust my aunt. Once, she had to leave for a nearby city for a couple of hours. I said I could take care of myself and make the right choices. The truth was that I wasn’t going with her because I had unfinished business. 

After she left, I got out her bottle of sleeping pills, and started the assault on my body. Just then, however, the phone rang. I just stared at it for a couple of minutes, I mean, of all of the ludicrous things that could have happened, the phone rang. I picked it up. “Hallows residence, who is this?” It was Abby.

“Hello Maddie, just checking up on things there, Is everything alright?” I was bewildered. 

“Umm-yes, everything’s fine.” I was planning to finish the call quickly, then end it. But soon, we were talking and laughing about how things were and how school was and her job. Just before the phone call ended, I could’ve sworn I heard a hint of relief in her voice. After the phone call, I couldn’t imagine what I had been about to do. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here right now. 

And yet, when she needed me most, I was not there for her. 

A week passed. The prognosis became grimmer every hour. Hope was running out. I was plumbing the depths of despair when a nurse that I had come to know as Katelyn burst into the hospital room, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Maddie! check this out!” She waved her phone around in my face. As soon as I got her to stop, I looked at what she had. Apparently, there was an herb in eastern Afghanistan that dramatically slowed down the progression for blood cancers. However, it was not available in the United States. At an emergency care conference, with her oncologist, I pleaded for her to undergo this experimental therapy but her medical team was understandably reluctant. 

Her doctor gave her a week to live at maximum. So, this could be the miracle I’d been hoping for. But it seemed too good to be true. And in my experience, if it sounded too good to be true, it usually was. Besides, who would go all that way just for an herb? Risking their lives, just for a plant? No one. Absolutely no one. Katelyn realized that, and quickly tried to salvage the situation. 

“We could try and see if anyone grows them here?” We both knew it was hopeless. I went back to the orphanage on Friday to lift my spirits, really just take my mind off things. I flew through the day, and I did notice something. Ian was really happy about something. I waved him over after class. 

“Hello, Ms. Hallows!” I raised an eyebrow.

“You’re pumped about something.” 

“Yes Ma’am.” I waited. “They found my parents!” 

“What? They did! Seriously?” 

“Yep! They’re arriving today evening!” 

I was astounded. I’d come here to get my mind off of things, and, well, it certainly worked! 

“Ian!” I called.

“Yes?” 

“Did your old house sell yet?” 

“No, why?” 

“Let’s prepare it for them!” 

He looked at me. “How will we get there?”

“I’ll take you there. Come on, Let’s go!” 

We got as many people as possible there and set everyone to different jobs around the house. Before leaving the orphanage, I had asked Andy to tell Ian’s parents that he wasn’t there, but he would be home in a couple of hours, and to go back home. That would be such an awesome surprise! And it was!

It was then that I realized that Ian’s parents had heard of Abby’s predicament in Afghanistan and had acquired the herb there before flying back! The surprise party had worked both ways. My joy knew no bounds and I raced back to the hospital with this potentially life-saving remedy.

Two days later, I was flabbergasted. My hopes were dashed. All her hair had fallen out. Her skin was parchment-like. She was nothing but a skeleton. Assured death within two days. I was speechless. I couldn’t believe it. What I had thought was a cure, had turned out to be venom. The end was nigh. She was to be death’s bride, and I, the flower girl. I left the hospital and that night, had a good cry about what could never be. 

I started preparing her last rites, and when I went to be there at her side when she left this world, I couldn’t find her in her hospital bed. My heart sank. I had betrayed her one last time. I was inconsolable and burst into tears. Just then, I felt a familiar touch on my shoulders and heard a hoarse but unforgettable voice whisper my name. She was back from the dead. She was still a shadow of her previous self, but she was smiling and walking, which was infinitely better than yesterday. I was so surprised. 

When I asked her about how she pulled through, she just said, “I was given a choice. Spend the rest of eternity wherever I wanted to be or be with you.” She smiled. “I chose the better option!”