No What-Ifs

“I need new contacts.” My words are not asking, they are demanding. 

“Please?” My mother says. I roll my eyes and continue to stare at the Chromebook. “Brielle.” 

“What?” I snap, angrily.

I’m not saying please. Three-year-olds refuse to say please and get scolded for it, not thirteen-year-olds. “I don’t need to say please! Just order them for me! Thank you!” My mother glares at me.

“Brielle, I have had a hard day. Please, don’t upset me!” By now my two sisters, Chloe and Keirsten, have looked up from the computer screen. I turn around and glare at them too.

“Oh, come on Brielle. Don’t blame them for your bad manners,” my mom says. 

“Yeah, Brielle. Don’t!” Chloe, who is 10, laughs at her incredibly smart (cough, dumb, cough) comment. Keirsten, who is nearly nine, laughs as well. I stand up, ask my mom what time it is. 

“There is a clock right there, Brielle.” I look at the time, anger roaring in my ears. Four o’ clock. I can go now. Good riddance. I walk out the door of my mom’s classroom. “I love you!” She calls. 

“I don’t,” I call back. Then I walk out. 

I walk down the stairs, out the door, to my friend Sophia. “Hey!” I say, putting on a smile. She doesn’t even have time to respond before I walk straight across the road, toward her house, toward the sleepover I’ve been waiting weeks for. 

I don’t even see the car. It happens so fast, a flash of black, Sophia’s screams for help. Why am I on the ground? Is that blood on my hand? What just happened? Sophia is on her knees, pleading with me to stay with her. Huh? I’m right there with her! I hear distant sirens. I start to close my eyes, because my chest hurts so bad, maybe if I just go to sleep… Then the world goes black.

The sun is on my face, the birds are chirping. Is that a loon I hear? I hear waves too. I hear a whimper. No, it can’t be. My eyes fly open, and I gasp. “Sadie!” I scream, full of joy. It feels like I haven’t seen my beloved dog for years. But how can that be? Sadie, my German Shorthair Pointer, is my best friend. Not my animal best friend, my all-time best friend. That will never change. 

The reason dogs, particularly this dog, are my favorite animal is because they will stand by your side until the end. They are loyal. And they have a capacity for love and forgiveness that humans don’t possess. Humans will never possess the kind of love that dogs do. The kind of love that never ceases, never falters. I don’t worship dogs as gods, but I see God’s character in dogs. I see His love, His redemption, His gentleness. I see God’s character in Sadie’s beautiful brown eyes. I always have had a passion for those eyes, those big brown eyes that say it loud and clear, I love you, please love me back. And who couldn’t love that dog? No one. She is my best friend, my family.

And where am I? The Cabin! Oh, the joy! The Cabin, capital C, because this place is just that important. My absolute favorite place on Earth, because six words: Up North. Water. Bonding with Family. I jump up, give my sweet dog a kiss, and run to the house, tear open the door, and call my family’s names. No one answers, though. Maybe they ran to town for something. It’s not like them, though. I trot back down to the lake, frolic in the water a bit. My silly dog won’t go in the water though because Sadie hates water. 

I dive under the water, take a deep breath. Wait, what? I take another deep breath, fly out of the water. Breathing… Under the water… I scream. I look toward Sadie, but she’s already fading away. “No! Sadie, please! Sadie, don’t leave me!” She’s gone. And now, I watch in horror as the Cabin disappears around me. But as the lake of the woods setting fades, a girl appears. She has dark hair, the color of a midnight sky, eyes that are blue, but unnervingly pale, like the color of ice. She wears a simple long white dress. 

“Where am I? What did you do to my dog? My cabin? Where is my family?” 

The girl smiles at me kindly, and says, “Your family is possible. Your paradise is limited to the impossible. The things that in real life could never happen.” 

“Possible?” I ask, questioningly. It occurs to me that it’s the middle of February. In Minnesota. How was I just swimming in eighty degree weather? And my dog… I sob in despair. I remember that Sadie passed away over a year ago. My being with my dog, at the cabin, is purely impossible. But I’m possible. Right? I remember the car. “I’m dead, aren’t I?” I ask. I begin to cry, deep, heart-wrenching sobs. The last words I said to my mother were, “I don’t.” As in, “I don’t love you.” 

I look up, and see the girl has her hand perched on a single green button. “Say the word. Say it, and you’ll go to paradise. Never will you ever have to leave,” she says.

“But … is this heaven? Where are my other passed-away relatives?”

The girl hesitates. “Well, this isn’t heaven. You are in the In-Between. Yes, Brielle, you believed in Jesus Christ, believed He was your Savior, and you weren’t wrong, but you won’t be going to heaven.”

Well. That’s just lovely.

She rushes to amend her mistake. “No, no, no. I mean… The cabin, your dog… It only ever happens once every thousand years. Sometimes it happens even less. But you and five other people in history have been very … unique. To the point where you have died, but if you are able to resist the temptation of paradise, you can go back to Earth. Back to life. Your cabin, your dog, that is your mind’s version of paradise. Of course, the paradise you have dreamed up is nice, but nothing compared to heaven. 

Still, it’s paradise based on your human life and the things that went on within it. That place you were just at is paradise to you. But it’s a figment of your imagination. So now you are in what is called In-Between. You are caught between heaven and Earth. Brielle Brown, God is giving you an opportunity. You ended life with what I would call a lot of What-Ifs. Of course, once you get to heaven, it won’t matter how you ended life. You’ll be in paradise. God’s paradise, which is a trillion times better than your own. But … what if you hadn’t yelled at your mother? What if you hadn’t snapped at your sisters? What if you hadn’t walked into the road? It probably would have happened anyway if you ask me, ‘cause you’re an idiot, but …”

Ouch.

“My point is,” she continues, “no regrets, in the end. No What-Ifs. So, will you go to heaven? Your beloved dog, and other deceased whom you loved. Or, you can go back, fix the mistakes, live life with new eyes. The hole to Earth is there.” 

I turn, see a small, twirling hole appear in the void where the girl and I have been standing in. I turn again, see my dog. Tears pour down my cheeks. I want to play with her so badly again. Pet her. Love her. That would be possible if I went to heaven. And other people too, I would be able to see them too. But what would happen to my family and friends on Earth? My mom, dad, sisters, others. Would my death crush some of them? My mom said once that her biggest fear would be losing one of her children. That she wouldn’t survive it. Can I really do that to her? 

I look at my dog once more. “I love you, Sadie, so much. I’ll see you again someday. In heaven.” She wags her stubby tail and dog-smiles at me, and I know she understands. While I’m choosing Earth over her, I still love her more than anything, and will miss her so much, and look forward to seeing her again in heaven. Of course she understands. She’s a dog, after all. With that, give her one last kiss, take a leaping jump into the hole, and plummet back to Earth.

When I come to, I’m lying on the futon in my mom’s classroom. “Mom! Chloe! Keirsten!” I screech. They all jump. I look at the time, four o’clock. I jump up, hug my sisters, hug my mom. “I’m so sorry,” I say. “So, so sorry.” 

“It’s okay. Are you okay? I didn’t really expect such a sudden apology,” my mom says. I laugh as I run to the window, just in time to see a black car drive by. Sophia waits outside expectantly. I grab my stuff. 

“Bye Mom! I love you!” I bound down the stairs, out the door. I have seen things no thirteen-year-old has ever seen. My life has changed, for the better. Maybe life will be hard sometimes. Maybe people will be difficult. Maybe I’ll be difficult. It doesn’t matter. No regrets in the end. I want to live like there’s no what-ifs.