Breaking the Ice Dating Advice

To all young people hoping to go on a date,

You must first consider who you want to go on the date with. Are they as nice as your own mother, or as mean as that old grouchy sixty-year-old guy who wears only a plaid green bathrobe and consumes only dark coffee that lives next door? If your date-to-be has the personality of the latter in my list, you may have to consider reconsidering. Now, if your date is nice, ask yourself this: Would your mother approve of your dating them? If she wouldn’t, date ‘em anyway! You are a teen, right? You were born to disobey. 

Now, you must consider, where are you going to take your date? How much ambiance is there going to be? Is it a casual date to McDonald’s, or a classy date to Paris? You can’t get it wrong, or it’s over. You wanted to marry that cute girl, Kelli? Pfft. You wanted to date that stud of a man named Mitchell over there? Not happening! Not if you can’t get this right, that is. 

So don’t believe what your parents told you about love. Ever. It’s a lie! Love will not endure, not at an early stage like your own! Imagine your parents’ marriage as a beautiful flower, unable to be destroyed. Now imagine your date as a small little blossom, poking out of the dirt for a first shy little glimpse of the sunshine of love. Then, imagine you are the boy and you decide to wear AXE body spray to impress the girl. All girls hate it, by the way, including your date. Or, you’re the girl and you decide to wear just a bit too much Enchantment perfume. Bam! That tiny little blossom of love has been choked to death by the weeds of embarrassment. 

So, long story short, don’t mess it up! But then again, maybe you shouldn’t be trusting my judgment. I’ve never been on a date.