I Should Have Known
Kirstin Zaske
I should have known
From the moment I saw him
The certainty of his existence
After all these years
As dread coiled inside of me
Every fiber of my body screaming to leave
Leave, Get Out
I should have known
From his unreadable expression
As he watched
And pushed my boundaries
Pushed and pushed
And broke
I should have known
From his predatory glances
As he commented on our figures
The unfamiliar feeling
Of prey trapped in the eyes of its captor
I should have known
From the way others reacted around him
The sudden distance many displayed
The eerie silence following his words
Arguments breaking out of thin air
I should have known
From his mother’s “perfect” life
Only displayed online
Her username a dreadful foreshadowing
Reflection on her son
I should have known
As I isolated myself in the corner, crying
As the full story broke the dams of innocence
And came flooding in
Overflowing my brain
Breaking me
I should have known
As I picked my broken self off the floor
A broken doll posed for a photo
Remnants of tears still frozen on my face
Fractured remnants of myself
Held together by a frayed strand
I should have known
As I took warm, too hot showers
As I tried to scrub the slimy feeling away
Clean water flowing down the drain
As I tried to clean my guilt
Scrub it from my mind
I should have known
As they both explained away
Explained away my hurt and pain
No evidence, not a speck anywhere
After all we had endured?
I should have known
When the lack of accountability
Built a wall around them
Solid as brick
Never to be breached
Texts ignored
I should have known
I could have known
Had I known
Would I have made any change?